Taking Off the Cellophane

I've been thinking a lot about "life"...not necessarily life's purpose or meaning, but more about how I'm spending my time and why I'm making the choices that I make each day.

Interestingly, I read an article this morning, and the author had a similar thought process to what I've been mulling over. She references a sagging shelf in her bookcase that she noticed on the way out the door to Yoga. On that shelf, she realized that it was filled with all kinds of "how to better yourself in life/business/etc" books, and that she hadn't completed any of them.

I have a similar collection, but instead of being in one place on a bookshelf, they are scattered in strategic and often hidden places...there are probably a lot in the garage in boxes of books yet to be donated. My books range in topics related to living your best life to how to raise an adopted child to how eat (macrobiotic, vegetarian, healthier, weight loss, etc.) how to exercise and more.

Thinking about these books, I've probably only finished a handful. I've definitely received motivation and even some transformation from some of them. The majority, though, have been flipped through, scanned over or left unfinished or unread altogether.

By February of this year, I felt myself smothered with books on how to be a better leader, writer, dreamer...topics related to being the best version of myself...all well and fine...and good...

For me, however, I feel like I just nestled down into my corner spot on the white couch--primed and ready to "do this"--and then felt the overwhelming sense that I was drowning in books, criticizing myself for not reading them or finishing them, feeling shame and failure---and then just sitting there in it all--perplexed--stuck--too comfortable on my couch and too afraid to get up. If you strip away all of the emotion and psychological analysis behind my feelings, the end result is really just avoidance and procrastination.

How many more books do I need to teach myself "my why"?...I already know it. "My why" is to live a life of love and every aspect of love--from loving and gracious to inclusive and kind.

So, I'm not actually looking for purpose per se...maybe an outlet that fulfills my purpose. This is where the books come in handy but also provide a distraction from living my life.

"'To Do' so that I 'Can Be'?"

I see the performer in me who feels a failure when she doesn't finish all of her reading materials, her 'self-assigned' assignments. I do believe in the power of reading and its ability to nourish our souls and spark our minds--that's what I love about reading and how it can provide enlightenment, reflection, wisdom and imagination.

What I don't "love" is that I've found myself in a perpetual pattern of reading/not reading and, instead of feeling liberation and purpose, I just feel stuck.

The good news is that I'm recognizing what is going on...or at least trying to figure to tunnel a way out of my hole of despair...that lead me, though, to the audible calling of one "book" in particular...

The Artist's Way

No book other than the Bible calls me like this...is it a sign? of course it is...

I've read The Artist's Way or some of it (see the pattern😉) more than 20 years ago; however, In January of 2018, I bought the 25th annivesary edition, complete with a workbook for extra guidance and reflection. I made that purchase almost a year and a half ago...

I will give myself some credit, though...

...I have ripped off the cellophane...

What's so hard about starting this book?

Is it because it's a journey?

A personal unraveling and a hopeful revelation?

Good, deep self-reflection?

--AH-HA! That's "it"...deep self work--

Hmm?

The Artist's Way isn't really a book...it's a guide. It's not to be "read". It's to be "done".

The doing is the differentiating factor between it and the other books that I have.

So, now I find myself in a conundrum -- "to do or not to do?"

Maybe my personal being needs some "to do" in order "to be" better?

I'm thinking that's why I hear The Artist's Way speaking so loudly and annoyingly from the floor just under the armrest where I "cozy down"...

'To do'

{the hard work of the book's journey}

so that

I

'can be'

{all of me}?

Perhaps that is the better question...