I guess it's pretty glaring. My subconscious keeps talking to me and reminding me that I spend a majority of my time continuing to perform. I find myself making repeated decisions based on what I think someone else would like or prefer, wouldn't like, would like, might get irritated by, and on and on...
For example, when I put dishes in the dishwasher or unload them, I'm glaringly aware of whether I'm being loud or not. Seriously, I was just thinking about how quietly I try to put dirty dishes in the dishwasher...it's far-and-above just being polite to the people who may (or may not) be home. I consciously think, "Laura Lyn, don't be too loud. Don't drop anything or let any pans clang together. You don't want to bother anyone in the house or be the cause of someone's complaint."
Really, this is an issue that I need to address. Hearing performance messages in my head for things as small as how I "do dishes" is a problem. Those "do it right and well so that everyone will be happy with you" thoughts are too much, and I've got to continue identifying other areas where I'm self-sabotaging to avoid what I think will become "shame" if my actions aren't pleasing.
Uggh, I'm fighting with this a lot. FaceBook, Instagram, texting, emailing...all fall into the category of performance for me. What if I quit all social media? What will people think? How will I keep up with my kids lives? I think I need to stay on social media...for others. Yuck. I don't like how that makes me feel.
"I think I'll glide for now." --LLD
I have a friend who gave up all of his social media accounts. He said that doing so has given him more life back, and he's so much happier without it. I get that. I see how this could be transformational.
There are a bunch of other areas...more than a bunch--too many...where I need to pump up the need to know who I am separate and apart from pleasing others. I feel like there's a squeegee on the dirty windowpane, slowly wiping through the gunk and grime to get a better view.
Maybe the squeegee should be windshield wipers at high speed during a heavy rain or maybe a slow, deliberate, conscientious glide through the muck to get to the clean window is the better approach.
I think I'll glide for now...