Performance Oriented

Yep, that's me. I've always been performance oriented. I've long had a desperate desire for approval, rarely hesitating to forgo my own thoughts and feelings to "make" others happy or gain their approval.

It's funny-ish... I unintentionally started this blog that way. What I mean by that is that I began writing to an audience rather than writing for myself. Writing for myself is what I want and need to be doing.

I want to write my feelings and thoughts. They only have to make sense to me. My words need to be authentic and a true reflection of who I am, not who I hope someone else sees me to be. More than likely, I'm a good bit different at my core than a lot of people know.

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“Authenticity is a collection of choices that we have to make every day. It’s about the choice to show up and be real. The choice to be honest. The choice to let out true selves be seen.” --Brene Brown

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I do like to step out of the box. Sometimes when I do, I get criticism whether it be through and actual negative comment, a snarky jab, a "joke" or disapproval disguised in approval...those are the worst. I think. I keep those comments close to my heart...unfortunately.

However, I want to be more disciplined about using my voice. My dear friend Laura Ramey recently wrote a blog about using her voice in her house of boys and men...not as a strategy to be superior but to be equal and to demonstrate the importance of a woman speaking up on her behalf, saying what she needs/wants to say and being able to do so without being "poo-pooed", made fun of or dismissed.

Being dismissed happens to me. It's subtle...to others...but becoming rather glaring to me. It's my job to use my voice and articulate my feelings. It's also my job to remember that one person's opinion in no way defines me. Sometimes it's a joke, and I've received it as much but, here lately, I don't think the joke is so funny... not if it's at my expense.

So, I'm going to work harder at being myself and not performing for others in hopes to gain approval or accolades...or even just to keep the peace.

As my blog evolves, I do hope that the content will become more natural, will flow in an easy-to-read and understand form and will communicate my authenticity...instead of setting a stage that I think will be praiseworthy for an audience of readers. I'll have to work hard and continue to return to the core reason for writing a blog at all...and it's for me. I do have something to say, and as I mentioned in the opening pages, this blog is for me, but it's for you too if you want to come along.